He won't be this age forever

This morning started with it's typical madness.

I begrudgingly crawled out of bed at 6:45 a.m., brushed the teeth, performed my daily facial regime and applied the makeup.

A couple of minutes later I made the trek to Nicholas' room to get him out of bed, (his own bed mind you that he's only been sleeping in since December, that's another posting all together) for more of the same: the brushing of the teeth, washing of the face, brushing of the hair.

We finished making the beds and headed downstairs to get him dressed as his waffles were cooking. We're all about some multi-tasking in the morning.

Anyway, as he's putting the finishing touch on his school uniform his dad calls.

Let me back up a minute.

I wrote the ex-Mr. a letter on Jan. 2 in my very own creative way informing him that I didn't think it was cool the way he neglected Nicholas in 2008. I let him know that while it's great his payments are on time, and sometimes early, Nicholas needs his time as well as his dime.

In addition to that, I asked that whatever his distractions were in 2008 that took his time and attention away from his 6-year old son, please be modified so that his schedule included time with his sons, especially the youngest one. I closed the letter telling him, Nicholas wouldn't be this age forever so we'd both better enjoy it while we can.

To my surprise he called two days later (on Saturday), AGREERING with me! I was blown away. He promised to do better and in spite of him throwing a couple of his usual insults in there towards me, I remained silent and simply listened.

Nicholas, like most boys, worships his father. He soaks up any attention and time thrown his way. And as much as it pisses me off that he seems to be an after thought to him at times, I always allow him to go, even if it's only for an hour. The ex-Mr. will never be able to tell him I stood in the way of their relationship. Whatever opinions are formed will be formed solely by Nicholas.

The two of them spent Sunday afternoon together- yeah Sunday afternoon. The ex-Mr. picked him up around 4 p.m. (I'm assuming after he completed his golf outing since that's how he was dressed) and returned him at 7:30 the next morning prior to going to work.

I figured they had to start somewhere. I guess to him this was doing better.

When he came home Monday morning he was in great spirits. "Dad says he's going to pick me up tonight." I thought wow! He REALLY is trying to do better. I was so happy for Nicholas. He needs that bond. Yes as boy but more importantly, as a young African-American boy. He needs his father.

Needless to say the call that night never came, neither did the pick up. He was bummed out all night. My heart was breaking for him. But we got through it and had a great first day back in school on Tuesday.

Now we're caught up to this morning.

I saw it was his dad calling so I gave Nicholas the phone. He's standing right next to me so I can hear the entire exchange.

Nicholas: "Hello"

The ex-Mr: "Good morning Scooner (what the hell is a scooner).

Nicholas: "Hi dad"

The ex-Mr: "Do you want daddy to take you to school"

Now normally that's a slam dunk yes!!!!

Nicholas: "No. Mom can take me. You can take me another day"

Dead silence on the other end.

After they got off the phone I asked him why he didn't want his dad to drop him off.

"Because he was suppose to come and pick me up to take me to his house and he didn't. When he takes me to his house, he can take me to school. I want you to take me to school mommy."

I was speechless. Eventually I regained my composure and even tried to talk him into changing his mind, but he wasn't having it.

He was already transforming. He was already conjuring up his own opinions of his relationship with his father.

And as much as it broke my heart to see him disapppointed, I'd always known he wouldn't be six forever.

I just didn't think he'd grow up so fast mentally before his 7th birthday.

What I want.....

I want to cuddle next to you as we watch the crackling of the fireplace and listen to the sounds of Kenny G.

I want you to pull me into your arms as I straddle your lap and rest my head against your broad shoulders.

I want you to read to me as I lie there soaking in every word, every sound.

I want you to whisper in my ear "look at me."

When I do, I want you to caress my face with the fingertips of your left hand as the palm of your right hand cups the opposite side of my face.

After a few moments of this, I want you to trace the fullness of my lips with yours; gently nibbling along the way.

I want you to eventually kiss me.

Kiss me so passionately that it nearly drains me.

Leaving me just enough energy to drain you of all the negative energy floating your way.

I want to, in turn, kiss you so passionately that I swallow your pain and frustrations.

I want us to leave everything and everybody behind us as we take our journey to a blanket on the floor.

I want us to have this chance at happiness.

Survey the room

They say the older we get, the wiser we get. Maybe it would be more accurate to say, the wiser we SHOULD get.

Although, some people are born wise and at peace. For others, like myself, it's a process.

The past several years, I have come to realize I am truly traveling in the right direction.

Wiser financially. Wiser spiritually. A wiser mother, sister, daughter, aunt, friend, co-worker and overall human being.

Please understand everyday is a new adventure bringing a new challenge and unforeseen obstacles.

However, the method in which I choose to leap over these barriers is crucial to my spirit and soul growing wiser.

To handle problems in a mature, reasonable and calm manner has been my quest the past several years. And minus one brief setback recently, I've stayed on course.
The new addition to my journey through life will be a daily blog; at least I pray I can blog and cleanse my soul in this manner daily.
Here goes!

January 6, 2009
I spoke with a close friend on yesterday and at the end of our conversation it dawned on me how angry divorce can make people. That bothered me throughout the day.

After hitting the gym on my lunch break to ZUMBA (if you haven't tried it, please do) and after work for a boot camp class, I realized the one thing we can't do is depend on someone else for our happiness.

Not our friends, our family, our co-workers, our children. It's unfair to place that amount of pressure on others and just as I'm in charge of my destiny, I'm in control of my happiness - from start to finish.

After crawling into bed around 8:30 p.m. I evaluated my love life.

Currently I am in a long distance realtionship. Not a problem, I'm not interested in anything locally taking time away from my children. However, the problem is the lack of emotional dancing.

In the beginning, as with most relationships, our conversations were normal. We clicked immediately. We laughed together for hours, we shared hopes, dreams and goals. We danced endlessly emotionally. We walked into the room hand-in-hand and didn't stop moving, dancing until it was time for our conversation to end.

But suddenly it stopped. He pulled away, not totally but enough where it became noticable and somewhat distrubing.

Don't get me wrong, we're still dancing, only now there are several songs being sat out. Now I can dance in my "Valet Parking only shoes" whereas before they were strictly for show.

Now after we walk into the room hand-in-hand, we dance to a couple of songs and then I'm guided to a table while he goes to the restroom, to the bar, back to the car, check emails or simply surf the internet.

And while I'd love to dance the night away with my current beau, maybe it's time to survey the room and take inventory of the single suitors in search of a dance partner.